A reason for all the pain

I had my first appt yesterday since coming down to Portland. I didn't sleep the night before, because in my head I though there is no way I had enough follicles to continue this cycle. We got to the office and were called right back. We first did some bloodwork, and then got ready for the ultrasound. The Dr came in and the ultrasound started, he looked at my right ovary first, and guess what we saw............a ton of follicles, and there were a ton more on the left ovary. Now before you all jump for joy for me, let me say, we had to many. We counted and there between 70 and 85 follicles. I new this wasn't good, but didn't know why. I decided not to cry yet, but could feel my heart sink. Continuing this cycle like a normal cycle was not an option. He did give us 2 options though, both of which were not what I wanted to hear. Option 1 was to cancel the cycle and start all over again in April, I could feel the tears start. Option 2 was to continue the cycle and do the retrieval and NOT do the transfer this time. We would freeze any embryos we got and transfer in April. Let me explain why: With as many follicles as I had, I am at very high risk for OHSS, which gets worse after retrieval, and much much worse if I were to get pregnant. I copied some stuff from Wikipedia for those who have no idea what I am talking about:

 Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a complication from some forms of fertility medication. Most cases are mild, but a small proportion are severe.

 The risk is further increased by multiple doses of hCG after ovulation and if the procedure results in pregnancy.

Symptoms are set into 3 categories: mild, moderate, and severe. Mild symptoms include abdominal bloating and feeling of fullness, nausea, diarrhea, and slight weight gain. Moderate symptoms include excessive weight gain (weight gain of greater than 2 pounds per day), increased abdominal girth, vomiting, diarrhea, darker urine and less in amount, excessive thirst, and skin and/or hair feeling dry (in addition to mild symptoms). Severe symptoms are fullness/bloating above the waist, shortness of breath,pleural effusion, urination significantly darker or has ceased, calf and chest pains, marked abdominal bloating or distention, and lower abdominal pains (in addition to mild and moderate symptoms).OHSS may be complicated with ovarian torsion, ovarian rupture, thrombophlebitis and renal insufficiency. Symptoms generally resolve in 1 to 2 weeks, but will be more severe and persist longer if pregnancy occurs. This is due to (hCG) from the pregnancy acting on the corpus luteum in the ovaries in sustaining the pregnancy before the placenta has fully developed. Typically, even in severe OHSS with a developing pregnancy, the duration does not exceed the first trimester.

Anyways, that explanation was from bits and pieces of info from Wikipedia, here is the link if you want more info : OHSS The Dr basically said I will fell like I am dying, and will need time off work, and possible hospitalization. He said it is not a 100% guarantee that it will happen, but it is very likely. I wasn't willing to risk it.

I sat in the chair and cried, I had such high hopes for this cycle, and I felt like it was all crushed. I hated feeling like I was disappointing all the people who prayed for us, and helped me get to the point I am at now, all the people in my life who are just so amazing.  Kyle snapped me out of my temporary state of depression, so we could make our choice. Since I have PCOS, egg quality is a little poorer than in someone without PCOS, so our fear was if we only got 20 follicles, we may not have many that are good quality. So now that I have so many follicles(eggs) our chances of getting more good quality eggs goes up, i'll call that our silver lining.  We decided to keep going, we decided to do the retrieval and see how many embryos we get, freeze them and transfer in April. So for now, I have to let go of the dream of being pregnant in 2 weeks, and start a new dream. I just need to keep telling myself that I will be a mom, and my husband will be a dad, it just won't happen tomorrow.

I have another appt tomorrow morning, so that should give us a better idea of our retrieval date(which Im hoping will be on Wednesday or Thursday, because I have some big plans on Friday...LOL)