We found out were having...........................

2 BOYS!!!!!!!!


Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. I wanted this to be a Infertility blog and not a pregnancy blog, so I kinda put posting on hold for a bit. Then I realized I just kinda left everyone hanging.....oops, Sorry.

Things are awesome here, I am 16 weeks and feeling pretty good. I was having some blood pressure issues, but with added protein in my diet I have that under control for now. We head to Mexico for a week tomorrow, and we are very much looking forward to that. It will be our frist trip where it is just us.

We have bought most of our baby stuff already, and Kyle is anxious to put it all together and get their room set up. Boy stuff is SOOOOOO cute. I can't help but buy clothes for our boys, even though I know I will get tons for our shower. I bought some "mommy bought it and daddy doesn't find out" stuff yesterday....LOL Although he is so excited that I don't think he would care.

I will update again in a couple months, thanks to everyone for the emails and wonderful comments.

ITS TWINS!!!!!

Yup, you read that right, we are expecting twins. We had an ultrasound today and it showed 2 beautiful sacs with 2 beautiful yolk sacs inside. I go back for anther ultrasound on Monday. I feel so many things right now. I bawled when we saw both sacs, and Kyle was in a state of shock.....hahaha. I am so excited, so nervous, but so so so excited. We just can't believe that we have been blessed with 2 babies.

IT WORKED......IM PREGNANT

After 4 1/2 years it is my turn to say those 2 beautiful words. Our 2nd FET worked.

I realize I haven't even updated you on our FET a couple weeks ago, shame on me :) It went perfectly, 2 beautiful grade 1 embroys were transferred. My lining was 8.5mm, and the transfer went amazing. Last FET we did I followed all the rules, I did acupuncture, ate foods that were supposed to help with implantation, had 2 days of bedrest, and so many more little tricks I read about, and it didn't' work. This time I skipped acupuncture,  had 5 hours of bedrest only, ate whatever I wanted. We went to Seattle for the 4th of July and I was on me feet all day, went swimming, picked up heavy things, you name it I did it. I tested at 4dp5dt....early yes, stupid yes, do I recommend it.....NO, thats way to early. But to my surprise there  was a line. It was a squinter, but even Kyle saw it. I tested the next day and the line was darker, and the next day it was darker yet. I called my DR immediately and went in for bloodwork 2 days after the initial BFP. I have 3 sets of blood work(done every 4 days) and my numbers were this:
        Monday July 9th 6dp5dt Beta=37 Progesterone=32
        Friday July 13th 10dp5dt Beta=213
        Tuesday July 17th 14dp5dt Beta=1447

I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday, I will be 5 weeks 6 days. We may or may not see the heart beat that early, but we will find out if there is one or two.

We are starting to believe it, but most days I still don't feel its real........LOL I honestly couldn't be happier at this point, so truly blessed.

Ok, so here is some pictures

Our perfect grade one Embryos

The big black hole is my bladder, down from that is a white oval and thats my uterus, and in the middle there is a bright white dot.......Thats our embies

The second test I took(the first one was so light you couldn't see it).

A few of the 20 test I took....LOL

Kyle and I the day we got our positive blood work back

One of our announcements

A test I took a few days ago just to see how dark that test line could really get...hahaha

 

 

******PLEASE NO MENTION OF THIS ON FACEBOOK******

Appt Update

The appointment went really well. If anyone remembers, at this point last FET my lining was only 6mm, well....it was 8.5 on Tuesday. I am so happy about that. Last transfer my lining ended up only getting to 7.5, so I am just thrilled that it is 8.5 now. The Dr said it looked "perfect". I started progesterone yesterday, and our transfer will be on Tuesday afternoon. 

Worst blogger award goes to.......ME

Sorry guys, I have been a crappy blogger these days. I have an ultrasound appt on Tuesday to check my lining, and if all goes well, transfer on the 3rd. Im just not as into it this time. I just don't feel the excitement, like I did before.  I had my hopes so high for our last FET, that it hurt so bad, if I don't get excited, maybe it wont hurt so much. I did everything last time, acupuncture, special foods, 2 days of bedrest. This time I am not doing any of that. I am not going to let my life be controlled by infertility anymore. It's hard to explain how I feel these days, Im not longer saddened by peoples pregnancies, or their babies, I am no longer jealous,  I no longer secretly wish all pregnant woman would go away...LOL Im hopeful for the future, but no longer disappointed with  right now.  Im just taking everything one day at a time. Last FET, it was all I could talk about. Everyone in my real/online life knew down to the second what was happening. This time is just different, I've kept it to myself for the most part, and I kinda like it better that way, no pressure. I still do have those few friends who ask, and I am happy to talk about it, but for the most part I keep it between me, Kyle and my mom.

Ill try to be better at blogging from now on. I follow a few blogs who should win awards for best bloggers ever....LOL Ill update Tuesday after my appt......Prayers for a thick lining would be appreciated.

Im Baaaaaack!!

Sorry I have been gone for so long. I just wanted to post and let everyone know our first FET didn't work. We will do another one in July. I wasn't as disappointed as I though I would be, I actually cried very little. I guess after over 4 years I have just come to expect a negative result. FET wasn't a bad experience, so I am ok doing it again. We planned a trip to Mexico in October, so I am really excited for that. We have a very busy summer coming up, so time should go by fast.

A day dedicted to FET

We got to Portland last night, and had a really great night together. We went for dinner, had a couple drinks, laughed, and just enjoyed each others company. I didn't sleep well last night, I was wide awake at 4:00am, nauseous and scared. I we super nervous that my lining wasn't going to be thick enough. We go to our appt early, and were brought right back for our ultrasound. I closed m eyes, I didn't want to watch, I was afraid it wasn't going to be thick and we would be turned away. All my fears were laid to rest, when he told me it was 7.5mm and perfect. Apparently it was only 6.5mm last time, so he was happy with this. He said that if he turned away every couple who had a 7.5mm lining, there would be a lot fewer babies in the world, and for me, that was a normal lining and perfect. I think I shed a tear of happiness that we had overcome this hurdle. We were to leave and come back at noon for the acupuncture portion of the day and transfer would be at 1:00. I was instructed to drink 4 glasses of water, pee at 11:00am and hold from the on. Our office is on the water front, so we left and strolled by the water, had breakfast....then an ice cream cone.....LOL We walked on the dock, and check out the Dragon boats, which Kyle has never seen, and I thought was only a Canadain thing. I pee'd at 11:00 and I swear 5 minutes later had to go again, but wasn't allowed. We made our way back to the Dr, and I was brought back to start acupuncture, it was really nice and relaxing. At this point all I could really think about was how my embies were doing. After the acupuncture, I switched rooms and the Dr came in. The embryologist needed a few mins so we used that time to ask the Dr all of our question. First question was about our embryos. All 18 froze and grade AA, and when they thawed the 2 they said one was grade 1 and one was grade 2. I heard him say grade 2 and started to panic. He assured me that it was only because some of the cells had died, and it was still a good quality embryo and I shouldn't worry, many babies come out of grade 2 embryos. It was then time for the transfer, and boy did I have to pee. He layed me back and had his nurse hold the ultrasound machine on my stomach He laughed at me because my bladder was SUPER full, and told me I was a good patient and listened well.....LOL He showed my the catheter that held the embryos and went to work. It took maybe 5 mins from the time he started until the time he was done. I felt no pain, and was actually a very pleasant experience. I layed there for 10 mins, the acupuncturist came in, I laid there for another 20 mins, and then was allowed to get up.....I got dressed as fast as I ever have and dashed to the bathroom, I think I pee'd for 5 minutes.....LOL. After that, we were free to go. We headed back to the hotel and took an almost 4 hour nap. I took some pics of the day, here they are.

FET day breakfast

There is nothing wrong with ice cream at 10:00am......Right??

The best pic we could get of us. Were are just outside our RE's office.

Our Babies. The top one is the Grade 1 and the bottom is the Grade 2. So beautiful.

Some of the acupuncture needles, I had plenty more than this. These ear ones were pretty sensitive.

FET toes!!!!!!

Our midnight snack, FET day over, I think we deserved this.

It feels good to have this part over, I so much looking forward to whats to come.

Appt update

So I had my ultrasound yesterday to determine if my lining was thick enough for our transfer on Tuesday. It was NOT thick enough. It was just under 7mm, and the DR wants it between 8 and 11. So the new plan is to up my estrogen to 3 pills in the morning and 3 pills in the evening, 2 pills are to be taken orally and 1 pill is to be inserted in the vaginally. He is also having me start taking a low dose aspirin every day. I will continue with 3x750mg metformin and pre natals. I will do all this for 6 days, and on Thursday the 26th I will start progesterone and we will transfer on the 30th. I was disappointed, but when I really though about it, it was only 6 extra days, and really whats 6 more days when you've been trying for 4 years. So on the 30th I will head down to my RE for a 9:30 ultrasound and if all looks well we will thaw the embryos and transfer a few hours later.

Not so anonymous anymore.

When I first started this blog, I want to do it anonymously. I wanted people to feel connected to me and my story, but I wasn't ready to show my face. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately, and I have come to realize that I am more drawn and feel more connected to the ones that have pictures of the couple. I brought it up to Kyle and he thought it was a good idea to post a few. You all have to know this about me, I am a wild crazy picture taker...LOL I take pictures of everything, and not just one or two, I take 100 or more pictures and any given event. So it was hard for me to just pick just one pic to share....so I picked 5...and even that was hard....LOL So with our further adieu.....US.

Taken this past Christmas

Camping last summer

At a Vancouver Canucks game a few months ago.

Taken a couple years ago by my sister in law

 

 

Also taken by my sister in law

                          So thats us, well thats a very very very small peek into our lives.

I have my ultrasound on friday, and I am excited, but also pretty nervous. I have had lining issues in the past, so I hope my body is doing what it is supposed to. Who knows, by this time next week I could.....will...be pregnant. ;)

So close...so so so close

Next friday I have my ultrasound to make sure everything is where it needs to be and I am hoping for a nice thick lining. As long as everything is good I will start progesterone and the transfer will be on the 24th. I feel super lazy this cycle....not with my daily life, but with my med routine. No needles, no ohss, no monitoring...it all just seems to easy. Im sorry the blog has been so uneventful, I just have nothing exciting to post...yet.

For a very special couple.

Anyone who suffers with infertility has the thought of adoption in the back of their mind. Whether its something we choose to do, something were scared of doing, or something we've already done, it's always on our mind. Some people never get that far, they get their miracle and they get pregnant, or they choose to live their life with out children, For those very special people who choose to adopt a baby, this is a new very scary journey. I have the pleasure of knowing an awesome couple, who, after many years of trying, have been unable to have a baby of their own. I have watched them struggle through all of that, and come out stronger as individuals, and more importantly stronger as a couple. They have decided to pursue adoption, and I couldn't be more excited for them. They are very passionate about having an open adoption, which I admire so much. What I ask of all of you who read this, is to click on the facebook link I posted and "Like" the page, but more importantly, please share the page on your own personal Facebook, because you may not know someone who is looking to place their baby up for adoption, but some you know, may know someone who knows someone. Anderson Cooper did an small segment on a couple who posted on facebook about wanting to adopt a baby, and within 3 weeks had a baby in their arms.  Lets keep Lauren and Clint in our thoughts and prayers.

Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/LaurenAndClintsAdoptionPage

Blog http://laurenclintadopt.blogspot.com

Gizmo July 2003-March 2011

Gizmo was my cat, he was my baby, he was amazing, he died a year ago today. Maybe most people don't believe an animal can have a huge effect on your life, but gizmo changed me. He had a liver shunt, he had an equilibrium problem, he had a hate for the litter box, but to make up for that, he loved to cuddle, followed me everywhere, bathed with me, went for walks on the leash, rode in the car(when he was a baby, not as an adult), loved his belly being rubbed, loved more than anything to be held and made me laugh, cry and smile all the time. He made infertility more bearable because I got to take care of him, he was my baby. He was on a special diet, he took certain meds daily, and like a baby, I had to know where he was at every second. I spent countless hours looking for him, when all along he was hiding under the bed....LOL When they say animals can be therapeutic, they are right, Gizmo calmed me down, cheered me up, and helped me heal. About a week before he passed away he hurt his arm, he tore something and couldn't walk on it. I spent 5 nights sleeping on the floor in the living room with him, so I could make sure he was comfortable and didn't hurt it further. I hand fed him food to make sure he ate, held the water dish to his mouth so he would drink and massaged his arm because the vet said it would help. I could go on and on about how unique and awesome he was, but this is all making me cry, so I will stop now and just post a couple of pics(because I took more pics of him than some people do of there kids...LOL)

One of many of my fav pics of him

Gizmo dressed up as a pirate for Halloween 2010

Shhhh, lets not talk about it.

I feel like the world caters to most everyone, but the infertile community gets left out.....Did you know that there is not a chicken soup for the infertile soul......but there are 12 books about the animal lovers soul. There is a wedding story and a baby story....where is the friggen infertile story on TLC. Forget Survivor...wheres surviving. Instead of giving money to the next singer who wins american idol, why not pay for IVF for someone more deserving of a break. I was watching a video on Ellen of a woman who was given a car, and everyone loved her reaction....I say, if you want to see a reaction, give an infertile couple a round of IVF, you want to see someone dance around the stage, tell them there infertility debt is payed for. I wrote Ellen a letter today, I asked her to do a show about infertility, I doubt she will respond, but it was worth a try. I feel like there needs to be more awareness, I just don't know how to do it.

Aunt Floooooooo...where are you???

I took my last birth control pill on Saturday and my period is still MIA. Im trying not to stress, because that won't help anything, but im a bit worried. I need my period to start soon in order to do my FET next month......So, whoever is holding her hostage, can you please send her my way!!

Antsy Pants

Yup, with 4 weeks left unitl our first FET, Im getting antsy. I don't really have much more to add to this post, just that I get butterflys in my stomach when I think about it. Oh, and I am sick....fever, sinus infection, chest cold, insane cough. I am feeling better today thanks to the Z pack, but the last few days were rough.

Its getting closer.....

We are just over a month away from our FET. Right now I am just excited and anxious......talk to me again in 4 weeks though....LOL. My RE called me last night and we came up with a plan. I am on birth control now and have been for 2 weeks. The reason we chose to do that is because I have PCOS so I could ovulate at any time and for our FET everything needs to be timed perfectly. I start estrogen pills on the first full day of my period. Funny thing, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and really thought it would be a couple hundred dollars for the meds. I stood there Visa card in hand waiting for my total, and when she said "that will be 8 dollars please" I swear my visa smiled at me. The Dr said he would mail me my calendar and the hard copy pics of my embryos. I always feel bad for him when he calls me, because I attack him with a thousand questions....LOL Todays questions were all about embryo quality. I wanted to know how we choose which ones to transfer first. He said normally the best quality ones are the ones they use first, but in my case since all 18 are grade AA, we just use what we grab first. I then wanted to know what happens if they thaw out at a low grade. He said that if one thaws well, and the other doesn't, we have to choices.......transfer the one good one, or thaw 2 more and transfer 3.....Thats scares me, and it scares Kyle, and even the Dr wasn't to keen on the idea. So I guess I will just pray that the first 2 thaw nicely.

Im sorry the blog has been kinda boring lately, we are just kinda waiting for the next step and that IS boring.

My advice

I was asked the other day what my biggest piece of advice would be to couple suffering with infertility. I kinda laughed because I couldn't think of just ONE piece of advice. So I thought I would share it here. Please know that this advice is based off of my experience, and everyone's situations are different, so some of this may not apply.

1. To me this is the most important, TRUST YOURSELF. I found for me that I knew my body better than anybody. I knew when I was going to ovulate, I knew when something was wrong, I knew when to ask for help and I knew when listen to my Dr. You also need to stand up for yourself. If you know something is wrong tell your DR, if your uncomfortable with something say it, and if you want to try a different method, medication, procedure, SAY SO.

2. Have an amazing support system. I couldn't have done this without the amazing support from my husband, my mom and dad, my sister, my grandma, my husbands family, my co workers, my boss's, all my friends in real life, and all my online friends.You need to have people to talk to, people who are excited for you and people who will always be in your corner.

3. Choose the right Dr. I went through several Dr's before I found the one I trusted to do IVF with. It wasn't easy to choose because they all seem awesome(because they all tell you what you want to hear). I was lucky enough to have a couple friends(Lauren and Sam thank you) who helped me choose. They guided me in the right direction, and were my voice of reason most of the time. I wasted a lot of time in the past with the "wrong" Drs, so it was a huge relief to find one I love. I just wish I would have found him sooner.



There are a million more pieces of advice I could give, but to me those are the most important.

17 past retrieval

I thought I would share a picture with you. I took some pics of my ever so bloated, sore, swollen tummy during my adventure with OHSS. I seriously look 7 months pregnant at my biggest. The way I look at 4 days past retrieval was the way I looked from 3 days past to 7 days past, and it was my most uncomfortable stage. You can't see it in the pic, but my back was super swollen as well. It was almost over night that I went from huge and uncomfortable, to not so bad and able to move around. Ill tell you what, I have never been so happy to pee every 30 mins....lol. I also got some stretch marks under my belly button. They are small and not very noticeable, but it still pisses my off. So for now, I will slather that area with bio oil every night. 

Update #3....Fertility Report

So I know this is what your all waiting for, and Im sorry it took me so long to post it. We ended up getting 28 eggs!!!!! I was so thrilled. All of them were mature, which was amazing. The Dr called the next day and said that out of the 28 eggs 22 fertilized. That was amazing news. I had this fear that none would fertilize, but apparently my eggs and Kyles sperm love each other. The Dr called us daily with our fertility report, and each day we were more and more amazed. In the end we froze 18 GRADE AA embryos(thats as good as it gets) 16 on day 5 and 2 on day 6. It was more than we ever expected, and we feel so blessed. The Dr is still shocked that we got that many. He was actually so pleased with the quality that he said if I didn't suffer from OHSS so bad, he would want to talk to me about donating my eggs in the future. That made me feel good, like for once I did something good. We will transfer in April, and I can't wait. The Dr did send me a couple pics of a couple of the embryos, and I cried, showed them to everyone and made them my desktop background.....LOL Im a proud mama!!! My husband is also so proud and showed them to all his friends to.....hahah. My sister thinks one looks like a T-rex and one looks like a teddy bear...LOL

Update #2....OHSS

Yup, you read that right, I woke up the morning of my work trip with OHSS. I was in so much pain, couldn't sit, stand, laugh, cough, walk, pee, nothing. It was a 7 hour train ride, and I was miserable. I knew OHSS was always a possibility, but honestly didn't think it would happen. Despite all the pain and bloating I had a great time on my work trip. I got home Saturday night, and really didn't think things could get any worse, boy was I wrong. The pain and bloating continued to get worse and worse, and only stopped getting worse today. So far I have gained 13lbs in water and look 6 months pregnant(cruel joke). The dr wanted me to sleep sitting up, so I have slept in the recliner for 4 nights and that just plain sucks. My back is what hurts today, or maybe my front does to I just don't notice it over the severe back pain. I did wake up with my back swollen today, which was a super strange feeling. When the Dr first told me I was at risk of OHSS, and he didn't want to do a transfer because it gets worse if you get pregnant, I thought he was exaggerating, I thought I could handle it, and it would be no big deal. I will tell you what, Moderate OHSS is enough for me, I couldn't handle anything worse. Im hoping in the next couple days the swelling goes down, and therefor the back pain will subside. I have been in constant contact with my Dr(he calls every day) and he says I should start getting better in the next day or so. Oh, throwing up is also a sign, and very unpleasant when it happens....Yuck.

I was asked the other day if I regret going ahead with the retrieval and if I wish I would have cancelled the cycle, and the answer is HECK NO!!! With PCOS you risk OHSS, we knew that, but you also risk having poor quality eggs, so in my opinion the more eggs the better chance of having some good quality ones. I would do it all again if I had to....although I hope I don't.

Update 1 of 3

First off let me say, I am so sorry it took me so long to update. You will understand why in update #2. I triggered last Tuesday night at 11:30pm, and my retrieval was scheduled for 11:30am Thursday morning. I was nervous, but not to bad. Kyle and I enjoyed Wednesday in Portland with no Dr's appts, and celebrated by going to the outlet mall. Thursday morning we arrived at the Dr at 10:30. Kyle was taken back almost right away so he could do his part. I waited what seemed like forever for my turn. Finally they called me back. They first went over everything that would happen, and second I got a nice shot of Demerol in the ass. She said it would relax me and make me dizzy, but it wouldn't kick in for about half an hour. I swear less than 5 mins later, I was a dizzy, relaxed, babbling idiot...LOL. The nurse came in and started my IV.  The Dr did one last ultrasound, and I was moved to the room for the procedure. On the way the nurse made my take a bathroom break, and we were on our way. I got all set up in the room, they gave me some more drugs and the retrieval started. I was awake, but sedated for the whole thing. I felt so much of it though, I cried through half of it it hurt so bad. The dr said I was metabolizing the meds to fast, lucky me...LOL I remember the first 15 mins, and the last 15 mins, but nothing really in the middle. I remember the hearing the embryologist saying "no egg" or "have an egg" and getting pissed because I was 2 eggs in 5 follicles to start. In the end the dr said we got 28 eggs out of 40 or so follicles, so I was happy..LOL. After the procedure, we left and started on the long drive home. I felt ok, not really sore, nor was I really bloated. The dr was going to have me start progesterone the next day incase I had no signs of OHSS and we could do the transfer. When we got home I quickly packed because I was leaving out of town for an over night work trip the next day. I woke up the next morning, and thats where update # 2 will start.

A reason for all the pain

I had my first appt yesterday since coming down to Portland. I didn't sleep the night before, because in my head I though there is no way I had enough follicles to continue this cycle. We got to the office and were called right back. We first did some bloodwork, and then got ready for the ultrasound. The Dr came in and the ultrasound started, he looked at my right ovary first, and guess what we saw............a ton of follicles, and there were a ton more on the left ovary. Now before you all jump for joy for me, let me say, we had to many. We counted and there between 70 and 85 follicles. I new this wasn't good, but didn't know why. I decided not to cry yet, but could feel my heart sink. Continuing this cycle like a normal cycle was not an option. He did give us 2 options though, both of which were not what I wanted to hear. Option 1 was to cancel the cycle and start all over again in April, I could feel the tears start. Option 2 was to continue the cycle and do the retrieval and NOT do the transfer this time. We would freeze any embryos we got and transfer in April. Let me explain why: With as many follicles as I had, I am at very high risk for OHSS, which gets worse after retrieval, and much much worse if I were to get pregnant. I copied some stuff from Wikipedia for those who have no idea what I am talking about:

 Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) is a complication from some forms of fertility medication. Most cases are mild, but a small proportion are severe.

 The risk is further increased by multiple doses of hCG after ovulation and if the procedure results in pregnancy.

Symptoms are set into 3 categories: mild, moderate, and severe. Mild symptoms include abdominal bloating and feeling of fullness, nausea, diarrhea, and slight weight gain. Moderate symptoms include excessive weight gain (weight gain of greater than 2 pounds per day), increased abdominal girth, vomiting, diarrhea, darker urine and less in amount, excessive thirst, and skin and/or hair feeling dry (in addition to mild symptoms). Severe symptoms are fullness/bloating above the waist, shortness of breath,pleural effusion, urination significantly darker or has ceased, calf and chest pains, marked abdominal bloating or distention, and lower abdominal pains (in addition to mild and moderate symptoms).OHSS may be complicated with ovarian torsion, ovarian rupture, thrombophlebitis and renal insufficiency. Symptoms generally resolve in 1 to 2 weeks, but will be more severe and persist longer if pregnancy occurs. This is due to (hCG) from the pregnancy acting on the corpus luteum in the ovaries in sustaining the pregnancy before the placenta has fully developed. Typically, even in severe OHSS with a developing pregnancy, the duration does not exceed the first trimester.

Anyways, that explanation was from bits and pieces of info from Wikipedia, here is the link if you want more info : OHSS The Dr basically said I will fell like I am dying, and will need time off work, and possible hospitalization. He said it is not a 100% guarantee that it will happen, but it is very likely. I wasn't willing to risk it.

I sat in the chair and cried, I had such high hopes for this cycle, and I felt like it was all crushed. I hated feeling like I was disappointing all the people who prayed for us, and helped me get to the point I am at now, all the people in my life who are just so amazing.  Kyle snapped me out of my temporary state of depression, so we could make our choice. Since I have PCOS, egg quality is a little poorer than in someone without PCOS, so our fear was if we only got 20 follicles, we may not have many that are good quality. So now that I have so many follicles(eggs) our chances of getting more good quality eggs goes up, i'll call that our silver lining.  We decided to keep going, we decided to do the retrieval and see how many embryos we get, freeze them and transfer in April. So for now, I have to let go of the dream of being pregnant in 2 weeks, and start a new dream. I just need to keep telling myself that I will be a mom, and my husband will be a dad, it just won't happen tomorrow.

I have another appt tomorrow morning, so that should give us a better idea of our retrieval date(which Im hoping will be on Wednesday or Thursday, because I have some big plans on Friday...LOL) 

'Cause I walk with a limp like an old school pimp

Kyle and I were at the grocery store that other day, and I was following 10 feet behind him, he turned around and asked why I was walking so darn slow. I told him my ovaries hurt and to leave me alone...LOL He turned around, and I reevaluated the way I was walking.  I was kinda hunched over, taking small steps, and had a limp...HAhahaha. I guess something is working, because my ovaries feel like they are going to come out of my body...kinda like on that movie Alien........

We head to Portland today for monitoring and such, so I will update tomorrow after my first ultrasound. Think "lots of follicle" thoughts for me...LOL

I would die for that

A little comparison

Ok, the yellow one is the follistim pen, and the clear one is for the lupron.....to me, they look exactly the same, but why oh why does the follistim one hurt so much worse.....LOL

To make thing even worse, I have a 600unit cartridge in the pen, used 400 units yesterday and 150 units today already. So, that leaves 50units left, and I need to take 150 tonight. That means I inject the first 50 and switch cartridges and inject the next 100.....YAY, that and my lupron shot tonight means 3 shots....Gosh, who knew making a baby could be this much fun ;)

Stims :)

I started stims today!!!! Kyle was going fishing today this morning, so I got up early with him so I could do it sooner rather than later. It had been a long time since I used the follistim pen, so I had to watch a quick refresher video on youtube. The needle on the pen seemed about the same size as the lupron needle, so I expected it to feel the same. YIKES, it did NOT feel the same. It kinda made my eyes water a little bit when he did it. It also left my belly really tender about 2 inches all around the injection site. Now, they say don't poke yourself the next time, where your still sore from the previous time, but at this rate, with the amount of discomfort I have around the area, in a couple days the only place I am going to have left to inject is going to be my foot....LOL Oh well, Ya do what ya gotta do, I will say though, I sure am looking forward to 2 needles tonight....haha.

Suppression check

I had my suppression check yesterday, and the Dr said everything looks good. I will take 200units Saturday morning and night, and 150units Sunday morning and night, and then bloodwork on Monday. I will say though, why can't people just get to the point when they call. The girl on the phone goes "soooooooo, I got the results of your blood work............................and well................................I just though I would let you know..........................................that everything looks really good" OMG lady, get to the point, im sitting here almost crapping my pants.

Elephant Stew

A good short cut recipe when your in a hurry.


Ingredients: 1 Elephant(med)
                   2 Rabbits(optional)
                   Gravy


Cut elephant into bite size pieces. Cover with Gravy and cook over kerosene fire for 4 weeks at 465 degrees. Serves about 3800 people.
If more people are expected then add the 2 rabbits, but only if absolutely necessary as most people don't like hare in their stew!


My grandma sent me a letter in the mail and I got it today, it was full of little quotes to make me smile. That one really gave me a chuckle. She also sent one that said "count your age by friends not years, count your life by smiles not tears" I will admit it though, that one brought a tear to my eye.

It's funny though, because even though Im 300 miles away from home, she can still tell when I need to smile. She is a very amazing woman, and I love her very much.


I will leave you with the most fitting quote she sent me:

"Some grandmas ride in limousines and live in houses fit for queens, but my grandma is best by far, because she fills her cookie jar"

Nothing new means nothing to post...LOL

I really have nothing interesting to post....hahaha. I have a couple more days of birth control pills, and some bloodwork on Thursday, and will start stims on Saturday(fingers crossed). Im having some cramping and spotting....Normal?? Not normal?? I have no freaking idea, and at this point I have stopped googling everything. Only my Dr. knows if it is normal for me, so I have no need freak myself out further.

Am I the only one...

...............who enjoys her daily shot.....LOL I look forward to it each day, even though its only Lupron at this point, I still look forward to it. To me its progress, its a step forward, its exciting. I have a slight reaction to it each time, its gets swollen, red and itchy, and each night I look at the red mark in the mirror and smile......progress.

Please continue to remind me of this.....

"Sometimes all you can do is not think.
Not wonder. Not obsess. Not imagine.
Just breathe, and have faith that
everything will work out for the best."



I have no idea who wrote that quote....but im gonna try to live by it.

Oh, I forgot to mention...

My Dr called the other day to let me know the results of my 2 hour glucose/insulin test. He said that it should be under 100 and mine was 126. He said it wasn't bad, but would like to see it more under control. He upped my metformin from 1500mg to 2250mg. He said the higher dose may upset my stomach, so if it does, I can stop with the extra, but so far it doesn't seem to bother me. He also said my FSH is 5.5 which is really good, and means I don't have diminished ovarian reserve like the Dr in Spokane initially thought.

The first of many

I had my first shot of this cycle today. It was 10 units of Lupron. It was a very tiny needle, and my husband did an amazing job. As always I prepared the syringe and my stomach. I backed myself up against the counter like always(so I don't run away...LOL) and pinched my stomach fat. The rest was up to Kyle, and he didn't let me down, he did it fast and gently. Kaitlin was over today, and I couldn't help but laugh at the look of horror on her face while we did this, it was priceless. It started to itch so bad after, got all red and started to swell....ugh. I know a great girl who went through IVF a few years ago, and she assured me it was all normal. She recommended some Benadryl  cream, so I will invest in that tomorrow. I will take this med for 10 days, take a couple day break and start new meds, YAY(insert sarcasm...LOL)

Low carb...its been a week!

Its actually really easy, I love meat though, so that helps. I am now down 11lbs since he 15th of December. Since IVF is happening in Feb now, rather than April, the pressure is on to loose those last few pounds. We are still doing the P90X, and Ill tell ya, it doesn't NOT get easier....LOL. Today I am going to experiment with no carb icecream and maybe a low carb pizza crust. I have also found these awesome protein shakes(thanks Debbie) that are great to drink in the morning, or to have for dinner after working out, and as a bonus, they actually taste really good. I really have to thank Kyle though, if he wasn't doing this all with me, I would have stopped a long time ago.

Will the nerves ever go away???

I am so nauseous, and have been since we decided to do IVF in Feb. I know this is the right choice for us, I know its what we need to do in order to have a family, I know I will be be ok no matter the outcome, so why have a felt sick to my stomach for 3 days? I have been trying to do things to distract my mind from all of this, and it works, but every time I have some down time its all I think about. I think the biggest fear is all the time off work I will need. I have awesome bosses,  and a wonderful sweet understanding office manager, but I feel sick taking a week off for this, and if it doesn't work, another week off a few months later. Im also nervous because the week that I will spend in Portland, will be alone. Kyle wants to be there, but only has so many hours of PTO(payed time off) with his work. *If* this does work, he wants 3 or 4 weeks after the baby is born to stay home and help. He knows Im going to stay for home for 12 weeks, and he wants to be a part of that, wants to enjoy our baby "full time" as much as he can. I want that so bad as well, so I am going to put on my big girl panties and stay alone *cry*. The last thing I am nervous about is disappointing everyone. I am so scared that it wont work, and everyone will be let down, like I have let them down in the past. Im afraid all this heartache, stress, money, time off work won't be worth it. Ok, before all my family and friends slap the crap out of me, I know "I" won't be letting you all down, and none of you are going to love me less, it just feels that way in my head. What doesn't scare me is he needles(my husband is an awesome shot giver), or the procedure itself. Oh and I hate to give myself the shots, so when I have to do them at work Im gonna rely on Carly or Danyell or one of the other awesome hygienists that I work with....so be prepared guys. Anyways, I am trying to be optimistic(doesn't seem like it right?? LOL) and know that in the end my husband will still be there for me, and he will give me a giant hug no matter the outcome.

This ones a keeper

Alright here is my full update. As soon as we got there, we went back to so I could get my first blood draw done. While she was taking blood the Dr overheard me telling her I was CD3, so popped his head in and told her to draw more blood to check FSH. When she was done taking blood I had to drink the nastiest orange sugar syrup drink, so they could check my glucose/insulin levels 2 hours later. We then sat down with the DR, I gave him Kyles bad semen analysis report, plus the report for my Lap and HSG. He looked those over and agreed IVF was the best way to go. We spent about an hour talking about exactly how the procedure was done, the cost and most importantly all the meds/blood work and tests I have had done recently. He didn't sugar coat anything, he said our chances were about 60% being a little lower due to the PCOS. He also talked to us about ICSI. Kyle requested to do another analysis and the dr totally agreed. The Dr took Kyle to another room, where apparently he checked out the "goods" to make sure everything looked normal. While Kyle was doing that, it was my turn.  He checked my thyroid and did a pelvic exam. He then did an ultrasound and said everything looked good. He said there were a few reason to wait until April, 1st he wanted me on Metformin for at least 3 months, well I have been on it for 3 years...Check, 2nd he wanted all IVF blood work done....check, 3rd he wanted me to be at a good place in my cycle....hows CD3 for ya.........Check, 4th he wanted me to loose 10lbs.....Im at 11lbs lost since Dec 15th....that was good enough for him....Check, he also wanted a normal ultrasound, normal breast exam, no STD's, FSH to be normal...check, check and check. He said that he saw no reason to have to wait until April like he originally thought. He said we could wait if we want to, but no further testing needed to be done so we had nothing to gain, but he stressed that he was fine with whatever we chose.They have a shared risk or insurance program and this is how it works. Say he takes 10 woman with PCOS(or other woman with the same conditions or circumstances as each other) and thinks 8 out of the 10 woman will get pregnant, so the other 2 woman will need the "free" cycle. He figures it will cost $7500 per cycle for the to each try again, so he divides the $15000 it would cost between all 10 woman, so for all 10 woman to have the "insurance" as he calls would $1500 per woman. So for us, if it doesn't work the first time, we can try again for only the cost of meds and the initial extra $1500. He said there is no pressure to buy the "insurance" now, we can wait until 2 days before retrieval to decide. As for meds, he said he usually uses Bravelle, but since I responded to Follistim in the past, yet had no response to repronex, that he wouldn't mess with something that worked, so we will use follistim. I started BCP today, and start Lupron on the 20th. Follistim should start on the 4th or so, with retrieval the 14th-17th of feb and transfer 5ish days later.  He called the meds into a pharmacy in town, and we got to pick them up before we left Portland. For all meds I mentioned, plus Pregnyl(sp?) it was $1600 because my insurance cover half.....YAY. Ok, Im sure I left something out.......LOL Oh, and Kyle got the results of the new semem analysis and his total count 124million Versus 6 million in Spokane, and his Motility was like 80%(I think) versus 4% in Spokane, and his morphology was 75% versus 1% in Spokane...WTF 

 

                               Here is a pic of all my meds, needles and sharps container.

  

Super Man.....Banana

With 90 days or so until our IVF, we decided to start P90X. I had no idea what to expect, but people warned me it would be hard. I just had no idea how hard until yesterday. I woke up this morning and could hardly walk, but that all that hurt...my legs. I was pissed, my abs felt nothing, the worst part on my body and it got no love from the workout. Early into the afternoon though it finally hit me, my abs killed, and a loved every moment of it. Some of the moves(like Superman Banana) are hard, frustrating and make you want to punch the guy in the throat, but it is SOOOOOOO worth it. I had to go today and buy weights, resistance bands and yoga mats, we are set, and worked our asses off tonight. 2 down 88 to go.


On a weight related note, I am down 8lbs from the middle of December, and Kyle is down 13.....13? WTF

First.....and second impressions are so important.

I called the Portland Dr today(and from here on out he will be known as Dr.S) to set up an appt for a consultation. I explained to her that I would like a Friday because it is the easiest day for Kyle to get off work. She said that Fridays were his surgery day, but if I could hold she would go ask him if he could see me. She came back a few minutes later, and said he would be happy to see us that day. I was surprised, I have never been treated so well from a Dr, and my first.....and second impression is, that hes a keeper.

Many thanks yous!!!!!!

My husband has been my rock through this whole thing. He is kind, understanding, funny and sweet. He is the guy who flipped me head first off the bed so his "men" wouldn't fall out...haha. He keeps me sane, and makes me insane all at the same time. When we first started trying to have a baby, he was doing it for me, not because he was ready, but because he wanted to make me happy. In august 2008, Kyles good friend had his first son Aiden, and it opened Kyles eyes to what fatherhood was all about. He was in awe of this tiny little person, so sweet and so small. He was so much more open to the idea of having a baby after that. In march 2011 Aidens baby brother Mason was born and it was game on for Kyle.  He always knew he wanted a baby, but with the birth of Mason, he was now 500% ready. I do have to remind him though, that not all babies are like Mason, they don't all sleep through the night at a month old......LOL He is going to be an amazing dad because he is an amazing man and amazing husband. I couldn't and wouldn't have wanted to do this with anyone else.

Next, my Mom. I seriously have no words to describe how lucky I am to have my mom. Yup, I sure am getting all teary eyed as I write this.....hahaha. Im sure she will shed a few to...we're big babies. She has known every detail from day one. She is my cheerleader, my support system, my shoulder to cry on and my best friend. She knows exactly what to say, or what not to say when words just won't work. She is happy when Im happy, pissed off when Im pissed off, and cries when I cry. ** Can someone hand her a tissue** This whole journey has been tolerable because of her, and I will never be able to repay her for all that she has done for me.

My sister has also been a big support for me. She listens when I talk, and no detail is to much for her which I love. I can be myself without judgement, and everyone would be lucky to have a sister as wonderful as her. I did tell her she can't get pregnant before me, and so far she is listening...LOL

My Dad is also awesome, although we spare him the details...LOL He knows just enough to keep him in the loop. He is going to be a wonderful Grandpa...or Papa(im not sure...Im thinking Papa, but I guess I will leave it up to im...LOL). I can't wait to see him hold his grandbaby(ies) for the first time.

My Grandma as also helped me more than she will ever know. She will let me talk about this for an hour, and maybe say 3 words(while im pausing to breath), and I just feel like i've had the best conversation. She is just such an amazing woman, and I am so truly blessed to have her in my life.

I also have a great group of girls at work. I am an open book, so everyone I know knows what we are going through. I know so many women who don't like to talk about it, but I love it, it's like therapy and I work with 30 therapists. They all let me blab all day long about ovaries, ultrasounds, semen analysis', painful injections, IUI's and so much more, most of which is in GREAT detail(if only my husband actually knew how much these girls know about him). Everyone is very understanding when I need a day off, or an hour off, or 5 minutes to cry. They cheer me on through everything, and never seems annoyed when I just won't shut up, and for that I will be forever grateful.

Kaitlin and I became friends instantly, and after knowing her for about 6 months she became pregnant with her son. On March 9, 2011 Mason was born. It was one of he most amazing days of my life. Mason is a huge part of my life, and keeps me sane. I love that little boy, and so does my husband and he has brought us so much joy, that I can't imagine how I will feel when its my own...Yup, Ill probably explode. When I need a baby fix Kaitlin lets him come for a sleepover, when I get a new baby carrier, she brings Mason over so I can try him on it, and when I am having bad day she brings him over to snuggle. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful friend. She is always there for me, day or night. She gets mad when Im mad, brings me chocolate when I need it, and makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. She is a true friend that I will always have in my life.


I also have a great group of friends that I have never met in real life(ok I've met a few). We all met on a forum years ago and have remained friends ever since. Anyone would be lucky to have a group of friends like this who are sweet, smart, honest, blunt, funny, give you a virtual hug when you need it, and virtual slap when your acting crazy. I tell them every detail, and I mean every detail of whats going on, and in return, I get support love and understanding. We are all at different places in our lives, some have kids, some have multiple kids, some are trying and sadly some are struggling like me. I wish more than anything that we all get to be mothers one day.....one day SOON.

I am also very lucky to have so many other wonderful understanding supportive people in my life, and for them I am forever grateful. I am also so blessed to have a wonderful family on my husbands side, who have truly been wonderful throughout this whole adventure.

Is ICSI in our future???

We got the results of Kyles semen analysis, and they were less than awesome. I don't know all the details because Kyle talked to the nurse when she called(and men can't be trusted to get specific details on anything...lol), but I do know they are down from 2 years ago. So, what does this mean you ask.....at this point im not really sure. We will take these results with us to the Dr in Portland and see what he says. Incase your wondering, ICSI is a procedure where a single sperm is injected directly into the egg to help with fertilization. Im not going to stress out to much though, there are many factors that could have affected it. He will just have to do it again....Poor guy.

Work out day #1....my husband kicked my ass!

Im not going to post every time I work out but today was an eye opener. We started with 10 minute trainer abs, and then moved onto lower body. We did 5 mins of lower body and decided to go for a run. I warned Kyle that I was a terrible runner, and he assured me he was to. We get out to the street and he takes off. I just stood there and watched him run down the road. He turned around threw his arms up in the air and yelled for me to hurry up, all while jogging on the spot. I swear Army bootcamp filled his head while running, and he just wouldn't give up. I ran about a quarter mile and was done. I wanted to sit down, have him run his butt home, get the car and come get me. I could hear him yelling at me trying to motivate me, and it worked, I started running, but I wasn't running for the exercise, I was trying to catch up to him so I could slap the crap out of him. He ran the rest of the way home and I lagged behind. I finally did make it home, and decided tomorrow, Im running alone...LOL

I love carbs and I hate to work out!

But, carbs and not working out are not going to get me pregnant. 10lbs......10 friggen pounds. That seems like so much, when I have struggled to loose the 7 I have already lost. No pasta, rice, bread, potatos, limited fruit, no chips candy cake...UGH, whats left to eat...LOL I can do this, I can do this. I started at 179lbs in December, and as of today, I am 172lbs, 10 more pounds to go... Its totally doable.......

RE#2...I think he's a keeper

I called this office to see if they were open to schedule an appt, it being saturday I thought I would get an answering machine.What I did not expect was the DR to answer the phone himself, I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say....LOL so I hung up on him. I gathered my list of questions and called back. I talked to him for 20 mins. I found out he also batch cycles(everyone starts on the same day vs people starting whenever), which was one of my red flags from the other DR. He said he likes to batch cycle because those few week are dedicated to IVF and nothing else, no other surgery, no new patients, nothing. He also said he thinks its a crock that the Spokane Dr won't do a day 6 transfer, he said it makes no difference whether it is day 5 or 6. He said if I did IVF through him, it would be the April cycle at the earliest. He said because I have PCOS, the thought of diminished ovarian reserve is stupid. He would want me to work out and cut carbs, and do a 2 hours insulin test, and loose 10 lbs before we did anything.I got off the phone with him feeling very good about things, and excited to get there and meet him. I was told to call on Monday to schedule an appt with him.

RE #1

 Appt went great, dr was awesome and very talkative....just the way I like it. We talked about all the tx I had done in the past. He was upset the prev DR did a laporoscpy and put me on luporn, and thought that was very unnecessary. He was even more mad that CD 3 bloodwork was never done to check FSH. He said that after looking through everything, his biggest concern was diminished ovarian reserve. He said that after all the med cycles, and the IUI's and such that I should be pregnant by now. He also said, that the follisitm I was taking a few years ago should have given me like 5 follicles and it didn't. He also said that it could be a sperm issue. The S/A has always come back normal, but he said they never check to make sure the sperm can penetrate an egg. So Kyle gave another sample today, and they will look at it very carefully. He also wants me to have a saline sonogram/hysterscope in the next couple of weeks. We did a bunch of blood work to test Estridiol, LH and FSH and a whole crap ton of other stuff. He also did an ultrasound to take a look t everything. He alsodid a swab for STD's and and mycoplasma, and did some sort of catheter check. We will have a follow up a week after the scope. His stats were so good, 78% live birth rate, but a 46% twins rate. His donor stats were 85% for a fresh cycle. He also only transfers on day 5. If it goes to day six, they freeze it and use it later. He also said if it goes to day 6 they can take peice of it and check it for down syndrome(among other things) and make sure you won't miscarry(he used lots of bigs words, and explained how it works, but I forget). Although Im not sure if we are interested in that. He would have sat there and talked with us for hours if we wanted him to. He said if I want to we can get everything in order for the March IVF cycle.....Makes me so nervous. Kyle and I have a lot to talk about financially before we commit. They also talked about paying for 1 cycle or doing a multi cycle for one fee.. He said that the med protocol is the same/different for everybody. He adjusts levels and meds as needed. He also is going to run some tests to see if maybe my body would respond to some other meds better versus the traditional ones. The staff was amazing, and my nurse coordinator was incredible. She made me feel like I was her only patient, and told me to call or email any time, and as often as I liked. The dr said the same thing, he doesn't want me in the dark about anything, so call as often as I like, even if the question seems silly.

 That was a post I made on a private group on facebook just after coming home from the RE. I was on a high, I was excited, nervous, and desperate to have a baby. I have a great group of girls who helped me research this DR and after million red flags, which I will not go into we decided to see a different DR.

A little...or a lot of history!

We started trying for a family in April 2008, 6 months or so after we got married. When I didn't get pregnant right away I was discouraged to say the least. Our first appt with our DR was in september. I went in there armed with a million questions, facts, and emotions, and left with just that. Our dr wanted us to have an ultrasound and some blood work before we perused any fertility treatment. I will say though, I loved that DR. he didn't care we hadn't been trying for a year, he didn't turn us away and tell us to keep trying, he wanted to help us. the next day I had my blood work done, and a week later I went for the ultrasound. The results of the ultrasound were normal, as was the blood work. We started clomid in November.....It didn't work. I didn't ovulate, I didn't get a period, so we were back at square one. They upped the dose of Clomid 2 more times, and it worked once. The headaches though were not worth it.....Looking back I would have gladly excepted the headaches over what I endured the years after that. Anyways, June of 2009 I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE)(who is a fertility specialist). My first appt was great and I really liked the new DR. She said we could try 3 IUI's and if they failed we would need IVF. She also did an ultrasound, and that is when I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was ok with the diagnosis, I was glad that there was a reason I wasn't getting pregnant. She said I needed an HSG(hysterosalpingogram) which checks for a blockage in your fallopian tubes. Mine came back normal. Kyle also had an semen analysis, and it was awesome, super sperm according to the DR. That means we got the green light to do our first IUI. I was put on Femara to stimulate ovulation and closely monitored by ultrasound. I was lucky enough to have a DR in town do all the work, and the RE call all the shots(less travel for us). Our first IUI was complete, and the whole procedure was pretty easy. I called my mom that night just knowing that it was going to work, and we were both so excited. Although things dont' always go according to plan and 2 weeks later I got my period.  We did this 2 more times, and 2 more times I was excited, and 2 more times I got my period. We gave up for a while, took a mental break, and regrouped. 6 months or so later we contacted the RE and asked to do an injectables cycle. Which was injecting medication into my stomach to force a follicle to grow and then do another IUI. Our hope was to get 2 or 3 follicles and increase our chances. After injecting myself for 10 days, I had one follicle, 1 lonely follicle. We did an IUI anyways, and guess what......2 weeks later I got my period. CRAP. We took another 7 month break and just tried on our own. November 2010 we met with a local doctor who wasn't an RE, but had some experience with infertility and IUI's. He recommended a laporoscopy to check for uterine problems. So, 5 days before thanksgiving I went in for surgery. I have 3 tiny scars on my stomach where they went in with their instruments, and cameras. When I woke up, the DR told me I had severe endometriosis, but he was able to remove most of it. He also said i was going to be on Lupron for 6 months. Im still not clear on the reasoning behind the Lupron. That was a terrible 6 months. It basically put me into menopause. I had hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, it was awful. The beginning of June 2011 we were given the ok to start more injectables and do another IUI. After 5 days of needles in the belly, we had an ultrasound, and determined I wasn't responding at all. That cycle was canceled. Kyle had another semen analysis, and again, everything was fine. A month later we decide to try again, but I also did acupuncture, and some natural things to help along the way. I ended up with one follicle....bummer, we did an IUI and the next day did another one. It didn't work, we were left heartbroken. In December 2011 we started meds for another IUI. This time we tried a different med in hopes we get more than just one follicle. On the days 7 ultrasound it showed I wasn't responding to that med at all. We were given a prescription for more meds but it was going to cost us $700, we decided to cancel that cycle. I cried all night long, I felt like such a failure, like I was letting everyone down. A couple days later we made an appt with a new RE. We were ready to move on, no matter what we needed to do, we were ready.

Lets try this

Im not much of a blogger, but we thought this was a time in our life we would never want to forget. So here we go........